Yup, this is the best parking spot I could find. Don’t have to worry about taking two-and-a-half spaces to avoid getting any scratches either. Emptiest parking lot around and…QUIET! I can sit here and plot my next move….do I go on up to the door….do I wait here until the doors open???…plotting, plotting, plotting….
The plan is I’m gonna get me that 100 inch HDTV with all the trimmings. The one that they have for $14.00. Yeah…the only one they have in each of their eight hundred stores.
And I want it all!!! You know, things like….
3D tv! YIPEEE things are hitting me in the face…no, wait a minute…that was a couple of micro-meteorites smashing into my windshield (better get that fixed before I run outta oxygen).
A smart tv. Just what I’ve always wanted…a TV that could turn commercials into cartoons!
2-way screen mirroring so I can shave and watch HGTV at the same time.
Enough inputs and outputs to help NASA reboot the space program….ohhhh….speaking of space…it HAS to have an ETHERNET PORT so the Jetsons have somewhere to park their suitcases.
OK…so lets talk about the USB ports for the NAVY so they can B in the US!!! YAY, that’s a definite plus during the holiday season for our sons and daughters!
I also want to make sure I have optical digital outputs so that I can actually SEE the sound as it goes from the TV to the eighty-seven loudspeaker systems that have invaded my living room like the mean-awful critters from INDEPENDENCE DAY.
And, just in case I need to run away from any kind of frontal assault, I want the screen back-lit so that I can watch it from the rear as I run from the enemy!
Now, if things get REALLY HEATED…my new TV must be able to support PLASMA when the LED’s melt away into a type of electronical primordial soup (kinda like any political convention) and the LCD’s give way to the FORCE.
And a MUST HAVE is the good old-fashioned headphone jack for that private listening experience so that I never hear Micheal Meyers sneak up behind me as I watch those movies he made about October 31st.
All-in-all, I’m not asking for much, now all I gotta do is figure how to get a quarter of a million miles in 1.5 seconds so that I can beat that guy in the Jaguar to the door….
WAIT A MINUTE…..
I just had a GREAT idea…..
I’m going to head into the security center at the local W**-MART and sit down with a bag of popcorn and turn on one of those 12-inch black and white monitors and watch all the stupidity from a safe place.
Thank you American shoppers for more laughs than you’ll ever know!
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